Why Am I Writing?
A journey of self discovery and growth
For anyone who has known me for a while, I imagine my decision to start writing regularly might be a bit confusing. After all, I’ve spent most of my life exclaiming— in classic Shaaban exaggerated fashion— how much I dislike writing. Whether it was complaining about any school class that required writing, joking that I chose to study mathematics solely to avoid it, or, as an academic, constantly announcing that my least favourite part of the job is writing papers, I made it clear how I felt. So why the change? Why am I now deciding to dedicate a large portion of my very limited free time to writing?
Like most things in life, there is no easy answer. Any clear narrative that neatly explains why I suddenly enjoy writing and am working to make it my core hobby would likely be more of a retroactive justification than the truth. So, rather than attempt to create a somewhat false narrative that tidily explains why I now write, I want to tell the story in its raw and chaotic form.
I Actually Love Writing I Was Just Scared of Writing Blind
I have always struggled with reading. As a kid, and even now, I rarely read. Throughout my education, I found the process of ingesting information through text to be extremely laborious. Some of my teachers in school theorized that I might be dyslexic, though this was never confirmed. Regardless of the cause of this struggle, this had two very noticeable effects:
My vocabulary and linguistic richness are relatively limited because most of my learning and content consumption has come through auditory and visual mediums. These mediums often simplify language to cater to broader audiences, which can limit the complexity of expression I’ve been exposed to.
Since most writing involves reading—like when editing drafts or revising your work—I found the process took me too long. I often spent more time reading than actually writing. As a result, I ended up writing in my natural "voice," essentially mirroring how I speak in text. This often led to work riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, since I rarely revised anything (because I didn’t want to read!).
Like most people, my early preferences were driven by ego and external rewards—in other words, I tended to enjoy or like things I was told I was good at and dislike things I believed I was bad at, regardless of how much joy the actual process brought me. This meant that, compared to more quantitative fields like STEM, I struggled early on with qualitative and reading intensive subjects like the languages and geography. As a result, I developed a negative predisposition toward the tasks associated with those subjects—writing being one of them. Additionally, whenever I engaged in the writing process and followed traditional recommended approaches, I found myself spending most of the time reading. These two factors combined gave me the false impression that I disliked writing.
It didn’t help that the next chapter of my life was in academia, where writing (specifically of research papers) is the very foundation of a culture I find deeply toxic and under productive. Academic writing in its current state feels less like a tool for genuine communication and more like a performance art for career advancement, riddled with gatekeeping and incentives to churn out quantity over quality. This focus on relentless publishing, often without much care for the real-world utility or intellectual value of the work, is one of the things that left me disillusioned with Academia. Writing in this context wasn’t just a task I disliked; it became emblematic of a system I felt was actively undermining its own potential for meaningful research. But that’s a rant for another day. The key point here is that my time in academia did nothing to improve my relationship with writing, if anything it reinforced my aversion.
It wasn’t until I started journaling on a train in Italy, out of pure boredom, that I rediscovered the joy of writing. Upon deeper reflection, I realized that I had always enjoyed it! One of the key memories that confirmed this was high school history class, where I loved writing essays. At the time, I thought I was merely tolerating the writing process because of my passion for history. Now, I see that I loved writing for its own sake—it allowed me to spill my thoughts onto the page, unfiltered and unrestrained and history class simply happened to provide me with an environment where my two primary blockers (previously mentioned) to enjoying writing where removed. Specifically, I loved the subject so much that I often had so much to say that I couldn’t fit it all within the allotted time, leaving no opportunity to proofread. This inadvertently eliminated my biggest barrier to writing… reading! Additionally, the nature of history assignments—focused on critiquing ideas and constructing arguments—meant I didn’t have to stress about stylistic choices. Writing in my natural, conversational tone was not only acceptable but often encouraged.
Now, I find myself enjoying writing in a way that feels similar to those history assignments, but without the barriers that once held me back. Thanks to LLMs I can simply run my writing through a chatbot for automated proofreading, significantly reducing the mental load of revising my work. Point 1 has also somewhat resolved itself naturally, thanks to years of education and the growing popularity of audiobooks, which have expanded my exposure to language.
Today, I can write with the same unrestrained joy I felt back in history class—only now, I’m doing it barrier-free.
I Want To Get Better at Writing
Writing is a critical skill for my personal growth, and I want to improve my ability to write. Just like mathematics, writing is not a spectator sport—in order to improve, you have to play ball. Specifically, there are a few things I hope to achieve by becoming a better writer.
First, it’s clear to me—and to my peers—that I excel at System 1 thinking and fast decision-making. However, as a result, I’ve become overly reliant on my gut instincts and have never truly developed a sophisticated ability to engage in System 2 thinking, which requires deep thought and reflection. I believe that by improving my writing, I will get some much-needed practice with System 2 thinking. This may also help me organize my thoughts better. Currently, my thought patterns are often extremely chaotic, which can lead to self-contradiction and disorganization. I hope that by improving my writing, I’ll develop more grounded thinking and become more intellectually honest and consistent.
Second, I often feel a bit lost and have a deep desire to express myself. However, for reasons beyond the scope of this post, I lack the artistic talents that might otherwise serve that purpose. Writing seems to be my only viable immediate path to meaningful self-expression and to engaging with the world in a creative way.
Hamilton!
Finally, the last reason I got reminded to get back into writing is because I rewatched the Hamilton broadway show… and that musical makes writing seem so badass!
You got this!